my left knee is broke. finally finally broke. hit the road for army half marathon today. woke up at 3 (the time i usually sleep), took the wrong bus trying to get to the esplanade. eventually cabbed. run was exhilarating for the first hour, but legs can only take so much. for the last one month (since recovery from previous injury) every run has been with some pain. mostly the knees and ankles. at this age, one seldom projects into the future. easy to affect a certain disregard, gamble away your body on a fancy.

last night was dinner gathering (once again,) bring your others, faith said. thankfully, things werent as awkward as expected, and the silences were mutually acceptable, sidestepped. the problem with all these yesteryear friendships is the lack of a common social context. no more same classes, similar situations, and the ease of walking over and simply throwing a comment on the table. everything is now mercilessly deliberate. from the principle of systematically organizing gatherings to the choice of conversation topics, from the unveiling of nostalgias rehearsed hundreds of times beforehand in our heads, to the constant hope for better days ahead. because it is so deliberate, it is so easy to loosen our moorings, disown our heartache, slip away. it requires not even a decision but merely a general indecision. after all there is no continuity, only a series of disjunct, brief, startling encounters. it takes effort to be social. it takes a commitment to life, inspite of its disquiets, inspite of its profound tendency to disappoint at times.

told conan over drinks that the essence of our humanity was our general ineffectuality- our inability to carry out our ideas and actions to their logical conclusion. and this is why man is not an ideologue in spirit. this is why the will to power will never crush our heart. this is also why i am indolent and purposeless and full of absurd situations, and this is why things are reassuring.

step up, time to wrestle control of my life. time to think about the future, time to write essays and do university applications. time to look beyond the army, and jolt myself back to life. the last one year of officership has taught me alot, but now its time to entertain hopes for the further future.


3 Responses to “45.”

  1. 1 lucas;

    Indeed, it is time to seize the day! Just give me five minutes to finish my videogame first. Oh, and I’d like to take time to eat lunch and run some miscellaneous errands.

  2. but then again for some the will to power is overpowering, but maybe this explains their inhumanity.

    funny ole thing, life, innit.

  3. 3 dawn

    joel why do you sound like dostoevsky! take care, and all the best for applications yeah?

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